Make your support known
Another huge part of being an ally is being a visible, vocal supporter of anti-oppression work. That means more than just agreeing with non-privileged members and remaining silent yourself. You’ve got to join the struggle.
This is not easy, right? For male allies of feminists, speaking up against sexism can generate adverse reactions from other men, because it threatens the collective performance of masculinity. Allies risk accusations of being feminine or possibly even gay. As for white people, bringing up racism is taboo in ‘polite’ conversation. They can be chastised for bringing up problems, making waves, being divisive, getting stuck on the past of racial inequities. In all instances of challenging privilege, you carry the risk of social disapproval, ostracization, and even hostility. Of course this stuff isn’t easy.
Now imagine what women and people of color have to go through, all the damn time.
I would add that an actual act of imagining this is something allies ought to be doing, and regularly. It takes effort, and act of will, to continually put oneself in the shoes of others as much as one can; it takes some imagination, I think. One thing that can help people who are allies deal with the adverse reactions of other men (and women) to speaking out is to remind ourselves that those in various non-privileged groups have to deal with adverse reactions all of the time, and don't have a lot of choice in the matter a good deal of the time.
Excellent post Jeff!
ReplyDeleteI think that allying ourselves with others requires us to work with other men and not to try to take an easy path cozying up to women and saying: "I'm different".
We are still men! We have been brought up as men and all have our own work to do, though what it may be and how we are affected may vary somewhat among us.
The Civil Rights Movement in the 1960's - got to the heart of the issues when Black People told their White former allies that it was time for them to work to end racism in the White Community. This was hard work which few of us White People really did.
Working with Men isn't merely protesting sexist actions and similar. Listening and hearing each other and working with Men who may be: fathers, Gay, elderly, disabled, children, prisoners, batterers etc. - helping influence how they view themselves, other men, women and girls is important work.
Frequently we talk the talk, but leave the work to the Women!
When we do the work with other Men and Boys - we can then begin to be true allies with Women. We may, then, also get respect from them.
I remember very clearly in 1983 when we formed Men Stopping Rape, Inc. in Madison, Wisconsin and sought support from feminist friends. We found that our friends in the Dane County Rape Crisis Center wanted us to show them through our actions that we were deserving of their support.
We did good work in MSR and did earn the respect and support of the Rape Crisis Center as well as other groups and individual women.
It is sad, though, that over 20 years later the same issues persist and have not been solved. Rape is still a huge issue everywhere.
Obviously our group and the few other men's groups were not enough - by a long shot!
There is no guarantee that the work that we do will "succeed", but we should try and do our best.
Thanks!!
Thanks Geo. Your experience in starting that group is much needed currently I think; Dora also noted in her post that being an ally is a process...I like to think about that when I get down about lack of progress. There's never as much progress as we would like, I'm thinking, when you want to create real change.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your input!
Jeff - Thanks! Dora is right also.
ReplyDeleteI think that the signs of "success" are not whether our work seems to "succeed" or not, but rather what we do in response to what happens.
Where we seemingly "succeed", do we bask in that, or use it to move further on our path? Where we seemingly "fail", do we learn from what happened and find other ways to move ahead?
Personally, I don't feel like I "succeeded", because I failed in applying many of the lessons of feminism in my parenting of my son and my relationship with my first wife.
Now that I'm older, I'm trying to find other ways to do better.
Younger men such as you can, of course, learn from the mistakes that some of us have made and find paths that work better for you.
For me the most important lessons to be learned as men are:
1.) Act locally - later on one can expand,
2.) Start small - while envisioning larger things you would like to do,
3.) Take the time to create a strong personal and group core,
4.) Work with your "primary" group - for Feminism - Men, for racism - "White People" (if you are White), etc. (where one does this one can be allies of others once they recognize what you've done),
5.) Don't get stuck in one's Self (alone) - move ahead reaching out- which is doable with the first four areas being done. (Often men get stuck in "self-actualization" and never get around to doing anything for others.)
It is important to recognize that success and doing good take time and a lot of effort.
It is also important to recognize that where one has other important areas - to listen - and be an important part of them - such as parenting children well, being a good partner in a primary relationship, supporting other important people in one's lives, etc.
You are a good person and no doubt are finding your best path, if you're not on it already.
Thanks!