"The women of Bikini Kill let guitarist Billy Karren be in their feminist punk band, but only if he's willing to just "do some shit." Being a feminist dude is like that. We may ask you to "do some shit" for the band, but you don't get to be Kathleen Hannah."--@heatherurehere

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Men and Grief

Great post up over in the feministing community about "disenfranchised grief" and men. Rachel In WY says:
So as I've been thinking about this it occurs to me that men may often experience disenfranchised grief more often than women, because it's more socially acceptable for women to express their grief, and because men are often expected not to have the same depth of feeling. I've known several men who really wanted children, and were deeply emotionally invested in having a family. When they (and their partner) encountered infertility or miscarriage, their grief was barely even acknowledged, while their partner received a lot of support. When men do express their grief over infertility or a miscarriage, or don't "get over it" quickly enough, they're viewed with a mixture of confusion and disapproval. So I think this is one example of the damage a patriarchal culture inflicts on men. What do you think of this? Are there other examples of disenfranchised grief I haven't thought of? Are there cases where a woman's grief is more disenfranchised than a man's?
Go check out her whole post, and the comments.


geo said...

Be Very Careful !!!!!!!
If you have never been exposed to the Splotchy Story Virus, you should be forewarned....
Though it is most pleasant, it is quite infectious.
Here are the rules:
Here's what I would like to do. I want to create a story that branches out in a variety of different, unexpected ways. I don't know how realistic it is, but that's what I'm aiming for. Hopefully, at least one thread of the story can make a decent number of hops before it dies out.

If you are one of the carriers of this story virus (i.e. you have been tagged and choose to contribute to it), you will have one responsibility, in addition to contributing your own piece of the story: you will have to tag at least one person that continues your story thread. So, say you tag five people. If four people decide to not participate, it's okay, as long as the fifth one does. And if all five participate, well that's five interesting threads the story spins off into.

Not a requirement, but something your readers would appreciate: to help people trace your own particular thread of the narrative, it will be helpful if you include links to the chapters preceding yours.
The Apple
The bus was more crowded than usual. It was bitterly cold outside, and I hadn't prepared for it. I noticed that a fair number of the riders were dressed curiously. As I glanced around, I stretched my feet and kicked up against a large, heavy cardboard box laying under the seat in front of me. (Splotchy)
I couldn't believe my eyes. Surrepticiously, I tried to establish, without giving it away, if anyone else had seen what I had. For ten years I had been looking for that box. What looked like an ordinary cardboard box to most contained something most precious. Only by the small golden "P" was I able to identify what I was looking at. (Freida Bee)
I was both extremely relieved and a little sad. I was very happy that at last I could finally move forward and hope that my major disasters might be over with as I now could succeed at my life's goals. I was also dismayed that I'd hurt too many others as well as myself by my blunders searching endlessly for what now was in front of me waiting for me. “P” was both the most fascinating being I had known and the legacy left behind unfortunately because... (Geo)

I hereby infect these folks:


Feminist Allies
Ageless Hippie Chick
Math Man
Disgusted Beyond Belief
(You may be infected more than once.)

BASTA! said...

> So I think this is one example
> of the damage a patriarchal
> culture inflicts on men.


Men being shut down emotionally is not a result or part of "patriarchal culture", whatever this thoroughly fake, countercognitive term is supposed to mean. It is the intended result of decades of ideological harassment and "problematizing" by hostile feminist discourse. A drying-up tree sheds branches. An oppressed group identity sheds varieties and nucleizes itself into a teeth-gnashing, deconstruction-resistant kernel of base notions.

In 19th century men had no problems expressing grief.

jeff said...

BASTA!--You seem to be the only one doing the teeth-gnashing at the moment, but thanks for chiming in.