My writing below is inspired by a deleted recent response from a disgruntled man.
I encounter situations where women are rude, condescending or otherwise inconsiderate at various times.
This doesn't mean that I face "reverse discrimination".
A woman may treat me in a way I don't appreciate for varying reasons. She may:
1. object to something I have done - what I have said, her perception of the tone of my voice, etc.
2. be having a bad day and I may be in the wrong place at the wrong time,
3. look down upon me and perceive me as "inferior" because I appear to not be of a "high enough class" to merit her time or am otherwise "objectionable" (my clothes are 'dirty', 'not neat', 'not stylish') or I am "ugly", "old", "fat", "thin", my hair doesn't look "right", etc,
4. know me or thinks she knows me and have baggage from the past,
5. be afraid of me because I am male,
6. generalize from past experiences with males that she associates with me or
many other reasons.
There are plenty of women who are "better" than me in the eyes of others due to various reasons despite the fact that I am a "man" and they are "women". Rich women often will have more status in various areas than less well off men. Being male isn't the only characteristic that we have in our lives.
My partner is: Black, Female, Bi-sexual, Large Bodied. All of these "classes" could lead her to be treated in a "discriminatory manner" and she certainly does face at least minor discrimination at various times. At the same time she has an excellent job and is definitely "upper-middle class".
Is "B" my partner higher or lower than me in status - being a Woman? When she's in public and someone hits on her, her status is "lower". Her earning capacity and skills in various areas are far stronger than mine.
Underneath everything - when we are "naked within our souls" - B - probably has "less status" than I do, not because she is Not a Success - which she is, but rather because the price she has paid for all that she is, including the effects upon her parents who raised her, including the issues she faced as a Girl because of who she was then have affected her more than what I faced as a lonely, awkward, Jewish, White Boy.
It is easy as a male to feel negative feelings about women! Whether such feelings relate to individual women or women as a whole the feelings are real. We may say: Women are "bossy". Women are too ... . My partner is controling. This bothers me some of the time.
Men are certainly excluded from certain areas such as:
1.) Some health clubs,
2.) Some social Clubs,
3.) Some self-defense classes
4.) Some colleges and other schools.
Men - as a class - have some "priviliges" that women don't have.
We have a disproportionate number of politicians, judges, heads of corporations, high level officials in most government entities and large corporations etc. We have a history of having more "power" than women do. The power continues today, though thankfully things are seemingly getting more equal.
Many "female only" institutions provide women an opportunity to experience equality and feel comfortable in ways that would be much harder in a co-ed organization.
A similar set of arguments could be made for me a White Person vs. Black People. Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley and Magic Johnson and many other well-to-do Black people obviously wield far more power than I do, though they are Black and I am White.
Morehouse College in Atlanta, a predominantly Black institution, is no doubt a better college than many predominantly White colleges. It serves a purpose in allowing gifted Black (and other) students an opportunity to get an education they might not get elsewhere. It doesn't "discriminate against White people" because it is predominantly Black. I might well feel "discriminated against" if I had attended Morehouse, because of its foci on the needs of Black students.
I object to exclusive social clubs Which Wield Power over others or similar - such as The Bohemian Club - which tend to be limited to Wealthy, White Men. In general I do not see how most exclusively female organizations wield power over me as a man by excluding me. I do understand that the social networking within any club that I am not a part of can give an "advantage" to its members that I don't have. I do not see, however, that "female power" is a "class power" that in general discriminates against me as a Man.
I don't think that any of us as men can fully understand all that Women face as a result of their gender - that results in them being second class citizens as women. I know that I can' t fully understand: body image issues, hormonal cycles, derisive comments - catcalls etc., the fears of being assaulted or harassed by men and many other things.
I do not believe that we as men have it easy! Our fears may include:
1.) Being ridiculed or assaulted by other males because we are male and a threat to the feelings that other males have in wanting to feel in control - we can't be "sissies" or "weak".,
2.) Health issues - we die younger than females - from birth onward at much higher rates,
3.) Learning difficulties - in school as children we have far more troubles with attention deficit disorders and various other ailments,
4.) Dealing with our feelings - being independent and autonomous in healthy ways. It is hard to share our feelings safely.
5.) Rejections - from women - we try to date or marry (if we are heteroseuxal). Interpersonal relations can be very difficult
No doubt others could note many other areas we have troubles with.
I will be 56 years old in several months. I've made plenty of mistakes in my life. I've felt bad about many things over many years in my life. I do not see though how my being Male has made me face a rougher path than it would have been had I been born Female.
Yes, at times I do resent individual women as well as women in general. No, I'm not discriminated against by being male.
Thanks!
9 comments:
Perhaps if we as human beings simply learned to express our pain as pain, without blame or need for justification, and if we learned to accept and listen to each other's pain in that spirit, we would not need to develop theories and explanations which are hurtful in their own turn, and reactionary. The "oppression olympics" arises, I think, from the habit we have of dismissing the feelings of others, unless we can place those feelings in "explanatory boxes" that we feel are valid. We don't have to buy people's crackpot theories or ideas, to understand the difficulties of their existence (even if their existence is easier than our own), and to accept that they are in some emotional pain, which is after all just part of the human condition.
Actually it is maybe most often our own feelings we dismiss, unless we can invent a theory or justification for them. This has the same consequences as dismissing the feelings of others on that basis -- actually, more so.
I agree with part of what you say, while feeling that it isn't complete. It is ideal when we can avoid blaming others for things.
At the same time to tell a woman, for example, who has experienced repeated obnoxious sexist behaviors such as being whistled at or followed by men she doesn't know Not to recognize the pattern as Sexist and to see a systematic problem is wrong in my estimation.
Where we as men or women have problems with our partners and friends Most of the time we should be able to deal with the individual situation feeling the pain or hurt or whatever, without having to label it.
Things aren't always so clear of course, but often they are. Thanks for sharing your ideas and please respond to my words if you feel it helpful.
humbition--
I just finished writing a college application essay about my love of cybernetics, specifically how I use system-level thinking as a tool to get through daily life. It's a philosophical thing for me, or maybe even a religious one.
This isn't a factual assertion that I can defend, but I believe that understanding patterns is one of the very best things about being human.
I'm not advocating that anyone turn off their brain, much less that we stop analyzing patterns that connect.
Actually it is precisely because I look at patterns and connection that I tend to want to move past blame and toward understanding and compassion -- which can certainly coexist with a fierce opposition to systems which cause pain and even oppression.
There is a kind of stereotypical compassion which I am not for, and which is associated with the sexist female role. I don't care for that sort of suppression of the self in the service of smooth social workings. But I think that is different from the kind of compassion that arises out of empathy for our shared human limitations. And perhaps it is in the spirit of gender transcendence that, as a man, I try consciously for the latter.
humbition - I appreciate your clarification - further explanation which makes perfect sense to me.
Thanks!
Great post, geo. So good, in fact, that you almost make me wish I hadn't deleted that guy's comments. (We can reinstate the comment, btw. I only deleted it 'for now', which is why I left the message that he can contact me if he'd like to.)
I think humbition's points are good ones, in general--I also think it's possible to create and revise theoretical frameworks that include a place for lots and lots of empathy for everybody, including sexist asshats. I think angry, divorced MRAs are a perfect example of a case where probably more empathy ought to be sometimes extended, but where I find it hard to do so. So thanks for bringing that stuff in, humbition.
Understanding can be a powerful tool.
That said, I think blame can be a good tool, too--especially if there are dangerous people involved, and if responsibility isn't being taken seriously. For instance, men who consistently bother strangers on the street by hitting on them, whistling and the like probably don't think they're doing anything wrong, and while they ought to be empathized with on various levels, they also ought to be blamed for their behavior.
Jeff - good points - with MRA's (men's rights advocates)listening to them and dialoging with them is certainly a good idea.
I went to a meeting 25 years ago of an MRA group in Madison, WI and I was amazed at the anger - particularly of the current partners of some of these men.
Ackowledging feelings while confronting issues is important. Letting our emotions get in the way is counter-productive.
I remember, for example, a man berating his wife for "wasting" the $300/month this man had to pay in child support as if this was "luxury" money. He had no idea, clearly, of how much money it took, even then, to raise a child.
I don't hear humbition saying that any/all theoretical frameworks are rationale for behavior.
I do hear him saying, for example, that listening to the feelings of the man, who was emotionally or physically battered as a child is important in helping him stop his battering behavior with his partner or children.
Understanding the pattern does not justify the behavior. The feelings are there - regardless. Acknowledging them is helpful.
Thanks!
There are theories that help us understand, and then there are theories that help us blame.
Let us say that what we are after, is change.
It isn't that the theories that help us blame are totally useless in promoting change. But I do think they are subject to diminishing returns. The theories that promote understanding, on the other hand, compound their effectiveness over time, or so I feel.
There is some overlap of course.
Post a Comment