"The women of Bikini Kill let guitarist Billy Karren be in their feminist punk band, but only if he's willing to just "do some shit." Being a feminist dude is like that. We may ask you to "do some shit" for the band, but you don't get to be Kathleen Hannah."--@heatherurehere


Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Listening to Boys, Men and Each Other

More from Peggy Drexler's Raising Boys Without Men:

One of the strongest weapons we have against violence in our neighborhoods and schools, as well as ultimately in the larger world, is our ability to communicate with boys about what is going on in their lives. Simply put, we must talk to them, and listen to them. This book is rooted in the many, many hours I spend having these conversations.

When I speak around the country about raising boys without men, people want to know how I was able to get the information I did from the boys. Why were they so open with me? The question implies that I must have a special trick that made it possible for notoriously taciturn young males to reveal their true selves to me. I laugh and tell my questioners the truth. Although I do have special training, it's simpler than that. I was curious and eager to know these boys—and still am. They inspire me and give me hope. In a world that sometimes disappoints, scares, and hurts them, they still want to connect.

One of the reasons that men may not communicate with others as well as women do (if this is true, really) is that they are not communicated with as boys. (pp xvi)


I have some problems with some of what Drexler says throughout her book--she has a strain of gender essentialism that bugs me, for instance, but I think here she's right on (and I like her qualifications in that last sentence, because it's not a forgone conclusion in my mind that men don't communicate with others as well as women do). It's interesting to see my nephew's parents interact with him, and continually ask him what he is trying to say, what he means, what he wants. He's almost three now; I hope that trend keeps up as long as he's alive, because I think he and those around him will be better for it.

4 comments:

geo said...

Great Posting Jeff!

I can best speak from my own experiences in my life. Obviously other men have had some very different experiences. I'm happy when other men have done or are doing better than I have/am doing.

My son Ben spent the first two years of his life with me a majority of the time. I was working 24 hours a week and taking care of him when I wasn't working.

No doubt I made mistakes, as we all do, but I had a basic connection then with my son.

Then, because of my wishes, we moved from Madison, Wisconsin to Oakland, California where I had to work full-time.

I wanted "a life" apart from my job and my relationship with my son (and first wife) became gradually more and more disconnected.

I didn't listen to my son. I was with my son a lot. We went to restaurants, street fairs and later on his soccer, basketball and baseball games as well as watching others in sports.

One of my biggest regrets related to my father who died when I was 13 was that he wasn't with me when I wanted him there - on my schedule - at my level of growth - with what interested me - such as sports (which he had no interest in).

I didn't fail totally as a father, but I made some Huge Mistakes. I attended every game and most practices my son played in as he grew. Neither parent ever saw me ever in my sports career as a child.

More importantly though I didn't relate to Ben - in his world - The Power Rangers, Apollo 13, and many other things that interested him as he grew.

I wasn't there to hear his feelings or deal with his frustrations. Sometimes I was around him, but I wasn't with him.

I find it hard now to relate to my 8 and 11 year old step-sons. In some areas, my partner can't relate to her sons either. She is "there" with them at varying levels regardless of her connection to what they are doing or what they are feeling.

She can relate to their words. Often she sees beyond the words to what is the real feeling and the real issue.

Women often relate to their children from birth with a heart and body connection. I started out with a good bond with my son, but I broke the bond.

I know that other men do a better job than I did with Ben. It is sad though to hear him tell me that he's not bothered by our relationship. He tells me that All his friends aren't close to their fathers! That's sad to hear.

Listening and being available - requires us particularly as men to Not have Another Agenda that gets in the way of our connection. I became a father on my 36th birthday - 20 years ago today.

I hope that my son will do better than I did. I know that my step-sons have a good, loving connection with their mother. I suspect that If they are parents, they will carry some of the bonds they have to their fathering. I hope to do better, though it is hard for me.

Thanks!

Dave said...

Thanks for sharing, Geo. And happy birthday :)

Sassywho said...

great post jeff. and happy birthday geo.

starting young, is the best time to do it, esp during the toddler years, when children struggle with words and saying what they need and feel. in fact that is the source of most tantrums. with my nephew was 2 when he would begin to cry because i took something that he was not supposed to have, instead of telling him not to cry...

i would tell ask him if he was sad or just angry that i took the object away. it took some time, but eventually when he had either feeling instead of melt-down he would just glare at you and say he's angry or the other gazillion emotions. the best response of course is to say that's okay, and explain why you took the object away.

children are very smart and reasonable, encouraging the to feel and express those feelings is an incredible gift.

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