I think that as men who may have some feminist consciousness it is often easy to get stuck in a rut. We may, for example, say something to a female friend or acquaintance that we think is complimentary. She may respond criticizing what we have said as being sexist, condescending, and/or simply insensitive.
We may initially respond defensively or recognize how we were wrong from the beginning.
Over time we may learn a very bad lesson! We learn to simply Not say anything that we think might faintly, faintly be controversial. We mask our actions saying to ourselves that as Men we shouldn't oppress others and that this is our way to avoid doing it.
What we are doing when we do this is in a sense using our privilige to escape reality and our responsibilities as men. An important part of our "maleness" is tearing at the layers within us that keep us from being fully "human" and becoming better people. We can't do this unless we are willing and able to take risks and be "out there".
We can take positive lessons from the criticism of others. We can listen more carefully. Where we are unclear particularly we can ask questions. We can read more in areas we are weak in. We can work on our own _hit particularly within ourselves and with other men who may have similar issues. We can take risks and confront what we see as sexist and racist statements of others.
We can be aware of how silence and passivity don't help! Being allies requires us to do some things that are hard for us. That is good!
Thanks!
5 comments:
Geo, you make an excellent point in this post. I know a twenty-something guy who is developing his progressive and feminist conscience, and he treats his own part in any conversation with women like he's answering a test. This frustrates the women he talks to, because they're not testing him. Everything they say is "for real."
For so many men, the idea that women are testing them is a source of anxiety, but also a way of abdicating responsibility. After all, if it's just a test, it doesn't matter. It's only a test, not an "actual [progressive values] emergency."
Both are ways of withdrawing from interaction with women.
Great post Geo!
Thanks both of you!
Geo--
Great post. I think that it's this sort of 'everyday feminism' that we all struggle with...erm...every day.
I tend to agree with you on most of this, as long as the risks we're taking are mostly risks to our own well-being, and not risks to the well being of others. I have an acquaintance who is reading a lot of self-help-ish books on how to be a man who can find a woman partner, and, being somewhat shy, he loves the advice that tells him it's ok to not be shy, that it's ok to flirt with strangers and the like. And I think it can be ok. Thing is, which side of things do we err on if we have doubts? I tend to keep any compliments or even flirting very low key (or nonexistent) in situations where power is delineated relatively strongly--at work, or when I'm a customer somewhere, for instance.
But still, that means that lots of opportunities to brighten somebody's day (or make a connection) are lost--but I think it can be worth it to avoid the potential harm one can do with 'innocent' flirting/compliments and the like.
Of course, it's all dependent on the individual people involved and such...anyway, great food for thought, thanks.
Jeff,
I think that with flirting one can easily sexually harass another. Often men who aren't comfortable with their interactions with women, don't pick up on cues the woman is giving them. Where we may miss cues a lot (as I am), we need to be careful in general in potentially problematic situations.
Caution should be taken - yes, but also sometimes men need to assert themselves. Young men who may be potentially dating may need at times to ask something simple like: "would you like to get together for coffee?". In other situations we all need to simply be real - and not stuck in our fears.
Far, far more likely are situations where as men we end up seeming "wimpish" - because we're scared to be real.
Where we make mistakes, we need to learn from them - definitely. As humans we will offend someone - sometime in our lives.
If we are genuine and not passive-passive - pulled back in our interactions other women and men will see us and generally accept us.
IF we are to assert ourselves and potentially intervene when we encounter sexual harassment when in public for example, we need to be willing and able to challenge our own fears, and be assertive around both women and men in general.
IF we are scared and act scared - out of exaggerated fears of offending women, we'll find it hard to effectuate change in our lives and live up to our "feminist ideals" in various ways in our lives.
Thanks!
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